Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Read online

  Praise for Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

  “Readable book. . . . Provocative . . . recommended for psychology and mental health collections, where it may be useful for self-help and encouragement. . . . [A] guide to halting this insidious form of mental abuse and neglect.”

  —Library Journal

  “McBride presents specific steps toward recovery that daughters of any age can use as they grieve for the love and support they didn’t receive. . . . The author provides parenting tips as well as advice for maintaining healthy love relationships and friendships. . . . An excellent bibliography rounds out this revealing book, which ends on a hopeful and pragmatic note.”

  —Publishers Weekly (starred review)

  “Will I Ever Be Good Enough? illuminates a very common and unnamed wound—the wound that results from growing up with a narcissistic mother. In this engaging book, Karyl McBride provides a clear, honest, and effective way to heal this wound and live life fully and joyfully.”

  —Christiane Northrup, M.D., author of Mother-Daughter Wisdom, The Wisdom of Menopause, and Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom

  “Narcissistic mothers are always there when they need you. They expect to be the center of attention, and they can be cruel if they don’t get what they want. Learning how to set boundaries with narcissistic mothers is a complex challenge. Dr. McBride offers a step-by-step approach to understanding narcissism, setting limits on the abuse, and recovering from the psychological damage. This book is a ‘must-read’ for every woman living in the shadow of a domineering, self-focused parent.”

  —Nanette Gartrell, M.D., author of My Answer Is NO . . . If That’s Okay with You: How Women Can Say NO and (Still) Feel Good About It

  “The long-term destructive consequences that narcissistic parents have for their children are well known. Until now, however, there has been little in the way of helpful advice for those who were raised by these parents. In this insightful new book, Dr. McBride presents a detailed examination of narcissistic mothers and the harmful effects on their daughters. She also offers practical, step-by-step guidance for working through these issues. This book is a terrific resource for those women raised by narcissistic mothers and looking for strategies for change.”

  —W. Keith Campbell, Ph.D., author of When You Love a Man Who Loves Himself

  “Will I Ever Be Good Enough? is an amazing journey out of pain. Providing true professional guidance and clarity, Dr. Karyl McBride heaps in genuine love and kindness. This book is like having an ideal therapist at your convenience who really helps you heal self-doubt and self-rejection. Every page is milk and honey to your soul.”

  —Tama J. Kieves, author of This Time I Dance! Trusting the Journey of Creating the Work You Love (How One Harvard Lawyer Left It All to Have It All!)

  “Excellent clinical information about the effects of narcissistic mothers on their daughters, written clearly for all women struggling with this issue. The recovery section offers a rich variety of ideas and techniques to use in everyday life.”

  —Linda Vaughan, M.A., Licensed Professional Counselor

  “Dr. McBride has broken new and exceptionally important ground in exploring a critical area in parenting. This book is must reading for both the professional and the layperson who want to understand and successfully address the lifelong and potentially devastating impact of narcissistic maternal child rearing. It is filled with useful information and recommendations presented in a readable form.”

  —David N. Bolocofsky, J.D., Ph.D., family law attorney and former psychology professor

  “Dr. McBride does a beautiful job of describing the many faces of narcissism. I found this book extremely engaging and easy to read, and yet it is also highly informative, practical, and structured in its treatment approach. This is a must-read for anyone dealing with a loved one who is narcissistic.”

  —Renee Richker, M.D., child and adolescent psychiatrist

  “[C]omes across with such richness and authenticity that this book should be on every family therapist’s shelf. It is written for the daughters, not for clinicians per se; however, both the daughters and their mental health professionals can benefit from the information presented in this volume. . . . Practical, insightful, and full of compassion, it is likely to help many women in ways that few other resources are able to do. [D]aughters of mothers with borderline, antisocial, and histrionic traits are likely to benefit from its caring, empathy, and practicality just as much as daughters of narcissistic mothers. . . . [T]his book is a gem . . . it truly helps the reader to reflect on her pain, as well as relish the hope that she can end the legacy of narcissism.”

  —Farrah M. Hughes, Ph.D., for The Family Psychologist, newsletter of the Society for Family Psychology, division 43 of the American Psychological Association

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  CONTENTS

  Author’s Note

  Acknowledgments

  Introduction

  PART ONE RECOGNIZING THE PROBLEM

  Chapter 1 The Emotional Burden You Carry

  Chapter 2 The Empty Mirror: My Mother and Me

  Chapter 3 The Faces of Maternal Narcissism

  Chapter 4 Where Is Daddy? The Rest of the Narcissistic Nest

  Chapter 5 Image Is Everything: Put a Smile on That Pretty Little Face

  PART TWO HOW NARCISSISTIC MOTHERING AFFECTS YOUR ENTIRE LIFE

  Chapter 6 I Try So Hard! The High-Achieving Daughter

  Chapter 7 What’s the Use? The Self-Sabotaging Daughter

  Chapter 8 Romantic Fallout: Trying to Win at Love Where I Failed with Mom

  Chapter 9 Help! I’m Becoming My Mother: Daughters as Mothers

  PART THREE ENDING THE LEGACY

  Chapter 10 First Steps: How It Feels, Not How It Looks

  Chapter 11 A Part Of and Apart From: Separating from Mother

  Chapter 12 Becoming the Woman I Truly Am: Deserving Daughters

  Chapter 13 My Turn: Dealing with Mother during Recovery

  Chapter 14 Filling the Empty Mirror: Ending the Narcissistic Legacy

  About the Author

  Notes

  Suggested Reading and Movie Viewing Source Lists

  Index

  Dedicated to five people who taught me the essence of unconditional love:

  Nathan Scott

  Meggan Marie

  McKenzie Irene

  Isabella Grace

  Flora Teresa

  AUTHOR’S NOTE

  The examples, anecdotes, and characters in this book are drawn from my clinical work, research, and life experience with real people and events. Names and some identifying features and details have been changed, and in some instances people or situations are composites.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  For me, writing a book meant slamming into brick walls, climbing them, facing them again, climbing them yet again—an Olympic-size mental workout. It has been stressful, but most importantly, a meaningful labor of love, and certainly a task one does not master in isolation. While a thank-you seems hardly enough, I want to express my heartfelt gratitude to the special people who accompanied me on this trek of passion.

  First and foremost, my children and grandchildren: Nate and Paula, Meg and Dave, McKenzie, Isabella, Ken and Al. The love, patience, understanding, and encouragement of family can never be valued highly enough. I love you all so very much.

  My agent, Susan Schulman: Y
our belief in me and this topic repeatedly amazed me. Your professionalism, kindness, hard work, and support will never be forgotten.

  Leslie Meredith, senior editor at Free Press: A special gratitude for your keen editorial assistance, your acuity in understanding the sensitive material, and your sincere belief in the need for this book.

  Donna Loffredo, editorial assistant at Free Press: Thank you, Donna, for your kind patience with my never-ending questions. I could always hear your warm smile over the phone lines!

  Thanks to the staff at Free Press for the final phases of “spit and polish”! Jeanette Gingold and Edith Lewis, your copyediting work on the manuscript was not only detailed and brilliant, but so very respectful.

  Beth Lieberman: Your editing expertise and ability to hang in there caused many days of gratitude. Thank you so much for everything.

  Other professionals who assisted with initial editing, proposal work, ideas, and support: Schatzie, Dr. Doreen Orion, Colleen Hubbard, Liz Netzel, Jan Snyder, and Laura Bellotti. A special thanks to you all.

  Professional colleagues who took time out of their busy schedules to be readers: Dr. Renee Richker, Dr. David Bolocofsky, and Linda Vaughan. How kind of each of you to offer your time and support, when I know you are all so busy. I am more than grateful for your professional input!

  Dr. Jim Gregory, thank you so much for the health section consultation. Your time and kindness are greatly appreciated.

  Chris Passerella, the Web site guru with Kitzmiller Design, you were and are so awesome. Thank you for all your time, technical work, and support.

  Chris Segura, with Chris’ Computer Consulting, Inc., your computer assistance was always timely and helpful. Thanks for the formatting guidance at the eleventh hour. Your patience with my lack of computer sense was a gift.

  A special thanks to the people who helped keep me organized and fixed those things that were falling down around me: Gretchen Byron, Carolina Dilullo, Helen Laxson, Marv Endes, Frank Martin, Linda Fangman, and Jessica Dennis.

  Tama Kieves and Peg Blackmore: my inspiration and professional support system. You both rock with maternal kindness and blanket understanding.

  My dear friends who gave support with love, smiles, hugs, and encouragement: Kay Brandt, Kate Heit, Jim Gronewold, Jim Vonderohe, the Saccomanno crew: Franklin (neighborhood smiles at dawn), Frank (from curmudgeons to Pollyannas and round and round), Gianna (superhero), and Anthony (you rock). E-hugs and thanks to my fifth-grade pal Jimmy Hirsch.

  A special thank-you to Ethel Kloos-Fenn from Applied Research Consultants for initial research assistance. I love you and miss you, Ethel.

  Thanks to my parents for teaching me about perseverance, good work ethic, and fighting for what you believe in. “Get back on the horse” had an impact!

  And finally, a deeply felt thank-you is expressed to the remarkable clients and interviewees who gave time and emotional energy to share personal stories so that other people could be helped. I cannot name you, but you know who you are. This book could not have been written without you and your spirited, daring sense of courage.

  INTRODUCTION

  Our relationship with Mother is birthed simultaneously with our entry into the world. We take our first breath of life, and display the initial dependent, human longing for protection and love in her presence. We are as one in the womb and on the birthing table. This woman, our mother . . .all that she is and is not . . .has given us life. Our connection with her in this instant and from this point forward carries with it tremendous psychological weight for our lifelong well-being. Oddly, I have never wanted to believe this.

  First, being a feminist-era mom myself, I didn’t want mothers and women to bear so much responsibility or ultimate blame if things go wrong. Certainly many factors other than mothering shape a child’s life. Second, I didn’t want to face how feeling like an unmothered child had such a devastating effect on me and my life. To acknowledge this meant I had to face it.

  While doing research over the years, I have read many books that discuss the mother-daughter bond. Each time I read a different volume, unexpected tears would stream down my cheeks. For I could not recall attachment, closeness, memories of the scent of Mother’s perfume, the feel of her skin, the sound of her voice singing in the kitchen, the solace of her rocking, holding and comforting, the intellectual stimulation and joy of being read to.

  I knew this was not natural, but could not find a book that explained this lack. It made me feel somewhat crazy. Was I delusional, or just a chick with a poor memory? I could not find a book that explained that this phenomenon of feeling unmothered could be a real deal and that there could be mothers who are not maternal. Nor could I find a book that discussed the conflicted feelings that their daughters have about these mothers, the frustrated love, and even sometimes the hatred. Because good girls aren’t supposed to hate their mothers, they don’t talk about these bad feelings. Motherhood is a sacred institution in most cultures and therefore is generally not discussed in a negative light. When I decided to write a book on mothers who don’t mother their daughters, and the pain this causes girls and adult daughters, I felt as if I were breaking a taboo.

  Reading books about the mother-daughter bond always gave me the sensation of a deep loss and the fear that I was alone in this suffering. Experts wrote of the complexity of the mother-daughter connection, how it is rife with conflict and ambivalence, but I felt something different—a void, a lack of empathy and interest, and a lack of feeling loved. For many years, I did not understand and tried to rationalize it. Other members of the family and well-intentioned therapists explained it away with various excuses. Like a good girl, I tried to make excuses and take all the blame. It was not until I began to understand that the emotional void was a characteristic result of maternal narcissism that the pieces began to fit together. The more I learned about maternal narcissism, the more my experience, my sadness, and my lack of memory made sense. This understanding was the key to my beginning to recover my own sense of identity, apart from my mother. I became more centered, taking up what I now call substantial space, no longer invisible (even to myself) and not having to make myself up as I go along. Without understanding, we flail around, we make mistakes, feel deep unworthiness, and sabotage ourselves and our lives.

  Writing this book has been a culmination of years of research and a soul journey that took me back to when I was a little girl who knew something was wrong, feeling that the absence of nurturing was not normal, but not knowing why. I am writing this book now in the hopes that I can help other women understand that those feelings were and are not their fault.

  This does not mean that I want you to blame your mother. This is not a journey of projected anger, resentment, or rage, but one of understanding. We want to heal ourselves and we have to do that with love and forgiveness for ourselves and our mothers. I do not believe in creating victims. We are accountable for our own lives and feelings. To be healthy, we first have to understand what we experienced as daughters of narcissistic mothers, and then we can move forward in recovery to make things the way they need to be for us. Without understanding our mothers and what their narcissism did to us, it is impossible to recover. We have been taught to repress and deny, but we have to face the truth of our experiences—that our longing for a maternal warmth and mothering is not going to be fulfilled and our wishing and hoping that things will be different are not going to change things. As girls, we were programmed to look at the dynamics of the family in a positive light, even though we knew we lived under a shadow. Our families usually did look good to outsiders, but though we sensed something was wrong, we were told that really “it is nothing.” This kind of emotional environment and dishonesty can be crazy-making. Smile, be pretty, and act like everything’s good. Sound familiar?

  I am still amazed whenever I talk to other daughters of narcissistic mothers at the similarities of our internal emotional landscapes. We may have different lifestyles and outward appearances for the world to see,
but inside, we wave the same emotional banners. My greatest hope is that this book will offer you acknowledgment and validation for your profound emotions and allow you to feel whole, healthy, and authentic in who you are today.

  In writing this book, I had to fight many internal battles. First, I had to trust my ability to do it, as I am a therapist, not a writer. Second, and of more interest, I had to talk to my mother about it. When I brought it up with Mother, I said to her, “Hey, Mom, I need your help. I am writing a book about mothers and daughters and I need your input, suggestions, and permission to use some personal material.” My mother, bless her heart, said, “Why don’t you write a book about fathers?” And of course, she was worried about being a bad mother, which would be expected. She was able to give me her blessing, however, and I think it is because she was trying to understand that this is not a book about blame, but a book about healing. I have to admit I wanted her to say many things like: “Are there some things we need to discuss or work on together?” “Do you have pain from your childhood?” “Is there anything we can do about it now?” “Can we heal together?” None of this happened, but after all these years of my own recovery work, I knew not to expect her to be able to do this empathic inquiry. I was grateful that I had mustered the nerve to broach the book to her, which admittedly took me some time to do. At one time in my life, this exchange would have been unthinkable.

  Somehow, after taking this risk, I found it easier to move forward and be authentic in talking about my own experience as well as about my research. Although it would have felt emotionally safe to write at arm’s length from a purely clinical perspective, I hope that my own stories of being a daughter of a narcissistic mother will help you know that I do understand. I have been there.

  I’ve divided the book into three parts that parallel my approach to psychotherapy. Part 1 explains the problem of maternal narcissism. Part 2 shows the impact of the problem, its many effects, and how it plays out in daughters’ lifestyles. Part 3 is a road map for recovery.